This is a pointless exercise, since news has little utility when we'll all be melted into a viscous sludge by this afternoon. But stiff upper lip and all that! Let's accept our fates with dignity.
The big breaking news of the AM is that Donald Trump has jettisoned his campaign director, Paul Manafort. He was the guy with the shady Russian ties, who'd had a frustrating time stopping his boss from doing stupid things. Trump hired alt-right darling and Breitbart News chief Stephen Bannon earlier in the week, which should mean shit is about to get even more morbidly fascinating.
It's a little disappointing, then, that Trump's first big speech of the Bannon era leaned heavily on mea culpas. "And believe it or not, I regret it. I do regret it, particularly where it may have caused personal pain."
What the polls say. (They're terrible for Trump.)
As much as I try to quell the emotion, I'm still sad Portland didn't get a tiny-penised Trump statue like all the cool kids.
REAL ESTATE BEAT! If you haven't check out our story in this week's paper about the Bay Area property investors that have been buying up big chunks of Old Town with an eye toward ratcheting up rents.
As fate would have it, the Trib has a similar story in its latest edition. It's a far more sunny look at what investor interest means for Portland's social services hub.
Today in rents, a group of East Portland tenants won more time to decide whether they'll stay or go, after their landlord decided they need to pay 45 percent more each month. And tenants of a Beaverton manufactured home community say they're getting unfairly squeezed by their landlord, via unreasonable demands.
So here's a video of a girl sitting next to a TriMet bus window as it's shot. As in with a gun. This was in April, but the O just got the footage. Yikes.
Which brings me to this week's QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "The only difference between that man and me is that he wears a costume and has a shiny badge and is invested with the authority of the government."God bless you, Roseburg, and your Second Amendment wing nuts, too.
Future Mayor Ted Wheeler's administration is starting to take shape. Yesterday, Wheeler announced he's plucking an assistant director of the Portland Bureau of Transportation who used to work for future Vice President Tim Kaine. Also: Wheeler's long time chief of staff is about to be Portland's Chief Administrative Officer.
If you haven't had enough of Ryan Lochte And Co.'s douchebaggery, here's the evidence they lied about their douchebaggery.
The company that runs Portland City Grill and other restaurants threw a bit of a hissy fit about higher minimum wage laws by attaching a 1 percent "living wage" charge to bills. Customers weren't having it.
The state has a brand-new"Healthy Schools Plan"! It, uh, has nothing to say about lead in water or paint.
KGW reports you shouldn't purchase a one-way train ticket with cash if you're planning on smuggling drugs to Chicago. Thanks for the tip, Channel 8!
It's been a privilege writing you this, the last news dispatch any of us will ever need. I hope you combust with minimal discomfort.
