According to "reports," which are never inaccurate, Hillary Clinton's spending two days cloistered at home to make her VP choice, and it's down to two snoozers. There's Tim Kaine, a senator whose most interesting fact is that he learned to be an ironwelder when he was a child. And there's the even less exciting Tom Vilsack, our agribiz-cozy Agriculture Secretary who once flirted with his wife by asking her opinion of Richard Nixon.
These men are fine politicians, but they are also such boring campaigners that I fell asleep halfway through typing the word "boring." You know who'd be more exciting? Oh, where to begin:
1. Elizabeth Warren, Cloned in a Transporter Accident
Look, there's no question that we need Senator Warren to remain in Congress. She's too important, too canny, and too fun to lose to the second-bananaing of the Vice Presidency. But what if we could beam her out of a science outpost in the midst of a distortion field, inadvertently creating a perfect clone? Warren would be a fabulous VP campaigner, able to hit hard on the talking points that drove so many to Bernie and Jill Stein: income inequality, the rigged system, and voting one's conscience. She'd also be a real hoot to watch when she goes up against Mike Pence, a man who comes off like a rejected Putterman character.
2. Corey Booker
It would be nice to keep Corey in the Senate too, especially since his replacement would be named by Governor Chris Christie. But he'd still be a fabulous addition to the ticket, demographically speaking: he's young (just 47 years old, practically a kid), he's a person of color, and he's from the same media market as Donald Trump. He's also a social media star — remember how he shows up to shovel driveways whenever it snows? — which sure would be handy, given Hillary's tepid embrace by the Pokemon Go set.
3. Donald Trump
This would be a pure troll move, but I'd still love to see it: Hillary announces that since Donald's going to have a lot of free time on his hands after he loses in November, she'd be happy to take him on as her VP on a strictly trial basis. It'll keep him off the streets and out of trouble. "Don't worry, America," she'd wink, "I'll keep an eye on him for you." I know this won't happen but I just want to see how annoyed it would make him.
4. Julián Castro
Alas, the quality that makes him exciting — speaking a little too honestly — probably disqualifies him from consideration. But hey, it's 2016, there are no more rules in politics anymore, right? I like Castro because he was raised by a Chicana activist who helped start La Raza Unida, and also because he said in an interview recently that Hillary'd be a great president and Trump is unprepared. Alas, he said that while he was speaking in an official capacity as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, which is against the law, so he's a bit of a political pariah now. But I'm not sure I want to live in a world where it's wrong to get in a dig at Trump. He also has an identical twin brother serving in the House of Representatives, which introduces the potential for lots of Donna Reed Show-type hijinks.
5. Barney/Franken
Barney Frank or Al Franken. I don't care which. Take your pick. They're both master curmudgeons, each in their own special way, hilarious when they want to be and withering when the time calls for it. Have you ever seen Barney Frank get mad at someone? It's a masterpiece. And to this day I still watch this 5-year-old clip of Al Franken tearing the rug out from under a homophobic asshole from Focus on the Family.
6. A box of Pacific Food organic creamy tomato soup
Have you had this stuff? It's fantastic. I like to heat it up with ramen, and then fry some breaded shallot rings to put on top. You can get at least two servings out of a box, more if you throw in some sliced-up sausages. It's my lunch at least once a week and I look forward to it every time — much more than any rational human being would look forward to hearing from Tom Vilsack or Tim Kaine. If Hillary would like to select this appealing candidate as her running mate, she can find it in the soup aisle of the Broadway QFC.