Hello! And welcome to This Week in Vaginas. To kick us off on a high note, I’d like to look ahead to policies President Trump will enact once he’s inaugurated in a month. (If that sounded like a sentence from a Roland Emmerich film about a post-apocalyptic American dystopia, that’s because it probably is).
Two months ago, Jessica Drake, an adult film star, accused President-Elect Trump of grabbing and kissing her against her will. His response was, “Oh, I’m sure she’s never been grabbed before.”
While it’s difficult to legislate based on presidential sarcasm, I think I can help enact his policy by ghost-writing a bill for some of my favorite congressmen.
Senate Bill # S 3434
Grab or Nah?: The Federal Classification-of-Women-for-the-Purpose-of-Grabbification Act
Senators Penis Von Johnson-haver, Howie McDareyou, and That Guy Who Hasn’t Had Sex in 20 Years and Is Super Pissed About It introduce the following resolution, which will be referred immediately to the Committee on Lady Things That Frighten Us.
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, that: Women who have a lot of sex are gross. They’re gross and we would never ply them with alcohol in a seedy DC bar called “Doc’s,” and due to the aforementioned grossness, they forego their right to any personal agency regarding the grabbing of any area of their lady business, be it uptown or downtown or in the deep southwest or southeast*, depending on which way they are facing. Therefore, this act amends the Constitution to require:
1. Female virgins must wear fluffy angora sweaters, plaid skirts, and saddle shoes to indicate their allowance of personal agency and un-touchability. Those feathery scrunchies from the “Oops I Did It Again” video are optional.