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Good Morning, News: Another Black Man Shot by Cops, Ammon Bundy's Bankroll, and Bye-Bye Brangelina

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by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Hear voices I don’t want to understand, my car keys are jingling in my hand, my high heels are clicking towards your door. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Another black man shot by cops—this time in North Carolina, where a black officer shot and killed 43-year-old Keith Scott after mistaking him for a wanted man. Protesters clashed with police late into the night.


Meanwhile in Tulsa, Oklahoma, the shooting of unarmed Terence Crutcher by cops has the country's civil rights activists and the internet rightfully losing their minds.

Today in NOT SURPRISING: Donald Trump reportedly took $285,000 from his own charity to pay off his legal settlements.

Also in NOT SURPRISING: Former prez George HW Bush is probably voting for Hillary.

In case you SOMEHOW missed it, Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt—and according to some reports it was over Brad's heavy weed consumption. Whatever, right? BUT! It did spawn some of the greatest Jennifer Aniston memes ever.

Evidence presented in the Ammon Bundy trial seems to indicate that he was planning on holing up in the Malheur Refuge for quite awhile, since he was arrested with $8 grand in his pocket.

Oregon's pension system is looking terrible, according to the vice chair of the state's Investment Council, who says we owe billions more to retirees than we have.

A dead humpback whale that mysteriously disappeared from an Oregon beach has washed back up on shore—and I'm sorry, but it looks gross.

A Portland man is suing actor Jim Carrey, claiming the actor is complicit in the death of the man's former wife (also Carrey's ex-girlfriend).

Citizens of Canyonville, Oregon are actually arguing over whether repealing a city ordinance against astrology would bring about Satanism. (Pssst! Let's all dress up like devils and ask if we can read their palms!)

Now let's check the WEATHER REPORT: Mostly sunny today with a high of 72!

And finally, here's a 1980 drunk driving PSA featuring customers from the Star Wars cantina. GIVE ME THE KEYS, CHEWIE!

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